Accidents and Mistakes

Its interesting the lessons we learn in life. Many times they come in a way we would least expect. I cannot tell you how many times something has happened out of the blue that was unexpected, painful, or stressful. However with each of these unexpected experiences I have had extraordinary growth. Last Wednesday was not an exception. My brain is still trying to piece together my thoughts and feelings. I am still sorting through emotions, and trying to understand my feelings and what I am supposed to learn. Below is a narrative of what happened and a few insights to my thoughts a feelings. 


On Wednesday May 9, 2012 it was an other day. I got off work and called Brandon to see what he would like to do for the evening. We decided that he would come over to my house for dinner that night. I remember getting slightly frustrated because he took so long to come and I was starving. That feeling quickly faded once he arrived. After cleaning my turtle's tank  we warmed up some leftovers for dinner. While eating, Brandon expressed his desire to  go rock climbing at Turtle Wall. Apparently his friends Ryan, Skylar, and Cassie were going and he wanted to go. I remember I wanted to go but at the same time I was trying to rest my back because Brandon also wanted to go climbing Saturday. I decided to go. I told him I probably wouldn't climb but I would go and belay him. (This had been the case for the last two months since I hurt my lower back and I got a small stomach ulcer.) We also convinced my roommate Kathleen to come with us as well. I live about three minutes from the Chuckawalla trail head. We were there in minutes and began the mile hike to Turtle Wall. 

We arrived to turtle wall and Brandon's friends were already there climbing. I asked Brandon which one he wanted to climb and he went over to a 5.8 climb.

The crack on the right side of the picture is the climb he did, its about 30 ft tall.

As we were gearing up he realized that he didn't bring my harness and he forgot one of my shoes. I decided I wouldn't be climbing which I was fine with. However the ATC I was most familiar with using was on my harness. I ended up using Cassie's spare harness and I didn't realize until we were already tied in that I had some straps on backwards which made the rope a little funky. While we were preparing Brandon was bragging about how easy this climb was and how he could free solo it. I remember paying close attention as he made his way up the wall. Make sure to give slack when he clipped and to pull tight again. By the time he reached the top I remember giving him about two feet of slack, I was also holding the rope loose, because I was getting ready to pull the slack and lower him down. My left hand was not on the rope at all. It was around it but not holding on. My right hand was on the rope and the rope was down, but I did not have it in the lock position. I remember looking back to talk to Kathleen and before I knew it he was coming down. I didn't even know he was falling because of the slack and by the time he hit the ground I didn't have a chance to pull tight. I remember trying in the brief half a second I had to pull it tight but the rope kept going through my fingers.  I just remember grabbing the rope with my right hand as fast I could. If I had been looking like I usually do I would have seen him fall and I could have pulled tight. In fact I didn't really realize what was happening until he was just above eye level. 

 He hit the ground and he just started moaning and I was panicking.  I yelled for Ryan and Cassie to come and help me. While they were helping him I knew I had to call 911. I grabbed my phone and started dialing but knew I couldn't keep it together so I handed the phone to Kathleen and helped her talk to the dispatcher on the other end. I remember being so afraid to touch him. I felt like because I had caused the accident he wouldn't want me trying to help and end up making things worse. I helped by getting water and trying to not throw up, I was able to hold it together for few minutes but then the tears came. I walked away from Brandon and I just let it out. I was so scared, I was worried to death, I was overwhelmed by guilt and frustration and disbelief. I wanted to throw up but couldn't. I was shaking, and crying and almost hysterical. But thankfully I was able to keep it together for the most part.

Finally I could see the paramedics and soon after the helicopter. I felt better after the medics looked at him and realized he could just go to IHC. There wouldn't be a life flight to Vegas. Once they stabilized him and got him on the board they started carrying him to the helicopter. I followed with his keys and phone. We (Kathleen and I) kept walking towards the car. Once to the car Kathleen drove us to hospital. 


I had to wait about 20 minutes before I could see him. That wait was the longest ever. I kept racking my mind trying to figure what had happened. I kept asking myself over and over why I had let this happen. It was my responsibility to make sure nothing like this ever happened to the person climbing. I was stressed about all the costs associated, knowing Brandon didn't have health insurance, knowing he was suppose to have a job interview the next day, wondering what we were going to do. I couldn't forgive myself. Everyone kept telling me it wasn't my fault that accidents happened. But the truth was it was my fault, yes it was an accident, but it was my fault it happened. I kept crying and shaking. I couldn't get myself under control, which also stressed me out. I didn't want Brandon to see me this way. 


Soon they were done taking xrays and I was able to go back and see him.The sight of seeing him in that room brought on a fresh round of tears. Once I learned the extent of the damage I was slightly relieved. He came out with a sprained wrist, some bruises and worst of all three compressed fractured vertebrates.Hearing that he would one day heal and it would be like it had never happened brought a lot of peace to my mind.   I was able to call Brandon's mom and dad. His mom did not answer but thankfully his dad did. It was comforting to hear him say that Brandon was blessed and that the damage was minimal. I was still weepy and shaking but I was doing better and not crying constantly.

Everyone had gone home and around 12:30 a.m. we were moved to a room on the fourth floor. It was such a relief to be out of the trauma room, mostly because the word trauma just intensified the seriousness of the situation which intensified my guilt. It was a long night. I got a total of three hours of sleep. Brandon was in a lot of pain and all the doctor had allowed was Lortab and morphine. Thankfully once they realized the Lortab really wasn't working they gave him morphine. The morphine shots lasted about an hour and a half. 


Even if Brandon had slept I doubt I could have. Every time I closed my eyes I kept seeing him fall, it played over and over again. I couldn't help but cry, I muffled my sobs hoping Brandon couldn't hear but I do not think it made a difference. To add to my discomfort the room was freezing, but it was a temp comfortable for Brandon. The next morning came fast and hard at 6:15 am. I had finally drifted asleep around 4:20 a.m. after they gave Brandon a double dose of morphine. The following hours dragged on while we waited and waited. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, and every time I would think about everything and start crying again. I worked when I could because I had my laptop with me. I answered the phones and kept everyone updated, but the time still dragged on. The guilt never left. 

I finally decided to move and get stuff  done once we found out Brandon would be staying another night. I went and got him some clean clothes and said good-bye. I went home and showered, changed and went to work for a couple of hours. I got off at five and went straight back to the hospital. Brandon had had a couple of visitors and was doing well, which brought some peace to my mind. I stayed with Brandon until eight and then I left to go get some food and hopefully some sleep. 


I felt guilty leaving him but I also knew that if I didn't take care of myself then I couldn't take care of him. After some ramen and coke and changing into my pajamas I felt a little better. The guilt had subsided a little. I slept for seven hours that night. It felt wonderful. I did jerk awake once, after experiencing the accident again. I was able to just breath and soon I calmed down and I went back to sleep. I was back to he hospital room by 7:50 a.m. I stayed with Brandon until nine and then headed to work. I was there until 11:30 a.m. and then I worked from the hospital room. Work has been a life saver of sorts. I was able to concentrate on it for periods of time which allowed me to push my guilt into the back of mind and just focus on what needed to be done.

Brandon with his brace.

Finally we were able to go home around 5 p.m. I was so relieved, so thankful, and a little hopeful that soon we could have our lives somewhat back to normal. That wasn't the case. Brandon was ill from the time we left the hospital until Saturday evening. We called the ER doctor, Gordon Larsen, and he was able to prescribe a different pain medication. This seemed to help the nausea. It helped to stay busy taking care of Brandon; it has also made me feel like I am making amends for my mistake. Being at his house has been wonderful! I have been able to clean and organize, do laundry and dishes, and over all control the environment which have reduced stress. I like to clean and to make things functional so it helped a lot being in an area where I could do that. At the hospital I couldn't, the nurses had everything under control so all I could do is sit there and wait.


I received a little bit of relief Friday night. Tobin, Brandon's roommate, and Brian, Brandon's best friend, were in the room talking and visiting with Brandon. We were talking about what happened when Brian and Tobin both agreed and stated that I must have helped a little, created a little friction while he was falling. They were explaining that if there hadn't been any resistance that  his shoulder or elbow should have been damaged (he landed on his hand palm down) and his hip or pelvic since he landed on his right butt cheek. Later we found out that most back injuries on the L1-L3 vertebrates also have severe legs injuries as well. I had never had this thought before, the possibility of me softening the fall had never crossed my mind. Hearing them say this brought a lot of comfort and peace,  I have started to forgive myself a little at a time.

 There are several things we will be doing differently. First Brandon will be calling moves so that I will be able to know what he is doing especially if I cannot see him. In the past I have asked questions if I wasn't sure, I will always try to ask questions. I will never climb or belay without a gri-gri. If we had been using a gri-gri we wouldn't be in the situation we are in now. I will pay better attention to the climber. I would also like to make sure we are with someone else, to help ensure that all of these things happen for the first little while. At first I swore I would never rock climb again, but I know Brandon does not want to give up rock climbing, and honestly neither do I. It is the one of the few activities that we both enjoy and can do together. Thankfully we will come to that bridge when we get to it.


 For now I'm trying to apply what I know about the Atonement into action. Its easy to know what the Atonement can do for you, but it is an entirely different story believing. I have found I must be "ye of little faith." I'm working on forgiving myself and trying to take care of myself so that I can be here for Brandon. I am also trying to learn more about myself in this time. I am trying to figure out what I am suppose to learn, what I am suppose to change in my life. One thing that has helped the most is being able to count my blessings. It seems to be the only way to escape all the other worries and feelings. 


Overall I am thankful that Brandon is alive, that he is up walking and starting to move around. I am thankful that with time he will be healed and that "this too will be but a moment." I am grateful that Brandon has been so patient, sweet, and understanding. He has yet to say one condemning, mean, or spiteful thing to me despite his constant discomfort and pain. He has continued to say I love you and to be affectionate this entire time. It has been a soothing balm to my fears and guilt knowing he stills loves me and appreciates me being there for him. To close I hope that everyone reading will first, take care while climbing, even the best can fall. Second, I hope you have been reminded (like I was) that the Atonement does more than forgive sins. It is there to heal, mend, and comfort all broken, damaged, and hurt. Our Savior truly knows what each of us needs. He is very aware and blesses us if only we ask. I am so very grateful for that reminder and for all that I have been blessed with. Third, thank you  to everyone who has been there for support and help. It has been noticed and we appreciate you.